Let's just put it out there: I allow my child to play Fortnite.

I am not crazy about the game (by any means), but it's something we are choosing to use as a learning experience with our 13-year-old son. It's building emotional capital and providing many opportunities for discussion.

The struggle is always there in parenting, isn't it? Do we engage in a certain cultural fad or do we say "no"?

This post isn't debating whether or not children should be allowed to play Fortnite. That is a family by family decision. Rather, this post will give you a few practical tips for setting limits on playing time and how to handle this "beast".

Because let's face it, if you let this Fortnite thing get out of control it WILL control your child's life. It's a highly addictive game that expertly ropes kids into wanting MORE.

Taming the Fortnite Beast: Setting Sensible Limits for Your Kids

Fortnite - What the "Experts" Say:

Several resources have helped my husband and me as we think about Fortnite and setting limits.

As you decide what is best for YOUR child, you might want to consult some sources so you can be well informed:

Parent Guides from Axis -- I love this resource and receive their weekly newsletter. They have a fabulous Fortnite guide.
Common Sense Media -- Parent reviews of Fortnite
Parenting the Fornite Addict -- a sensible article from the NY Times
Fortnite Review -- from Focus on the Family
The Fortnite Phenomenon -- from Christian Parenting

I also wanted to share a piece of advice from our family friend, Jonathan Morrow. Jonathan is an author, speaker, and professor who specializes in equipping young people in their Christian Faith.

(Our boys happen to play Fortnite together, too!)

“While every parent needs to come to their own conviction on their kids playing Fortnite, (and give grace to those who disagree) we have decided to let our 13 year old son play with limits (typically no more than an hour at a time and not everyday) as he earns time through reading, exercising, and extra chores. Also he only plays squads with kids whose parents we know. Given how popular the game is, it is an excellent coaching opportunity with him about the power of media, the importance of self control, and how to approach entertainment with wisdom and from a biblical worldview. That’s how we are currently approaching it. ”

— Jonathan Morrow, author of "Welcome to College"

How to Set Sensible Fortnite Limits For Your Child

Know Your Child

Does your child normally OBSESS over things (chances are they will likely obsess over Fortnite!)?

What is their tolerance for violence? Will playing the game translate into a cranky, agitated child, or can they easily separate the video game world from the real world?

It is important to consider your child's temperament and tolerance as you think about Fortnite and as you decide if and how much you let them play.

Know Your "Squad"

(I'm trying to be super cool and use some Fortnite lingo here.)

When playing with friends your child can form a "SQUAD" - essentially a team of their friends to work together in the game.

One of the positive things I've found about Fortnite is that it allows my son to band together with his friends. For example, he met some boys playing flag football in the spring and now they stay in touch by playing Fortnite together. My son also plays with some homeschool friends of his. These moms actually text each other when the kids want to play Fortnite - so we know how long and who they are playing with!

Who is child your playing with? Who is in their SQUAD? Do you know the parents? Are you on the same page regarding limits with the game?

The "If-Then" Deal

This summer it's been an if-then system for playing Fortnite. If you get all of your work accomplished, any additional chores, and have had physical activity, THEN you may play Fortnite.

Most days that we aren't doing anything at all (and actually those are rare this summer), my son hasn't gotten to Fortnite until 4 or 5 in the afternoon - which leaves a short window of time to play until dinner.

Perfect.

I hate to say that Fortnite has been a good carrot dangle, but it HAS. That's just the reality of where we are at right now and I'm admitting it.

Use the privilege of playing any video game as a reward for tasks completed.

Have Ongoing Discussions

We talk about issues A LOT in our home.

I love to engage my son in debates about Fortnite - why I might think it's bad and he thinks it is good. I showed him all of the comments on this Facebook post and got his reaction. We had some wonderful discussions!

I don't believe in a "my way or the highway" style of parenting, and the Fortnite issue has been no exception. As long as my son can respect our decisions and debate with us in a coherent and civil way I'm happy to engage with him!

One way to parent teens effectively is to discuss issues s A LOT - give teens input and make sure you listen to and value that input. Fortnite gives us many opportunities for those discussions.

As Always, It's About Relationship & Modeling

Doesn't everything in parenting boil down to relationship? Do we keep lines of respectful communication open with our kids? Are we there for them to show them we have their best interest at heart?

My husband has had Grant teach him how to play Fortnite and played with him. I have sat with my son while he's playing so I can see what it's all about. My son knows there are ALWAYS eyes close by. He isn't allowed to play when we no one is home.

Are we parenting from a place of love and genuine caring rather than a place of fear and squirreling them away from "the world"?

Modeling responsible behavior is also key. Do we obsess over Words with Friends on our phones (ahem - me!)? Do we obsess over checking Facebook every free minute we have?

The Fortnite craze might just be a good reminder to us (parents) to check ourselves and our own obsessive tendencies when it comes to all things technology.

So, What Are the Limits?

After all of this I will tell you our limits vary day by day. I don't have a set time limit in place. (One thing you will see about Fortnite is that you can't just SHUT IT OFF when mom says it's time to be done - that's hard to do because of the nature of the game.)

My strategy is to keep a child busy enough so they don't have much time left over to play Fortnite.

But, if it's a rainy day in the middle of the summer and they want to play with some good friends for two hours in an afternoon I'm OK with that.

(We also have the ability to just make the internet magically stop working at our house, which is a lovely thing to have in place to simply prove a point every now and then. We rarely use it, though.)

When our regular school year begins we'll go back to our policy of NO video games during the week and limited time on the weekends.

It is my hope that we are creating a culture of responsibility, discussion, and respect in our home.

These limits apply to not only Fortnite, but a host of other technological "beasts" we are trying to navigate also.

Helpful Resources to Help Us Navigate These Waters

Let me hear from you. Do your kids play Fortnite?

Why or why not? What are their limits?

One of the greatest beauties of homeschooling is having the ability to not just direct our children's education, but to help form their conscience. Long after the math books are closed, their conscience will direct them.

Homeschooling is the beginning of a lifelong formation of our children. What kind of rails are we laying down to help them in this process?

(Do you remember the free Laid Back Summer Planner? This is designed to help you lay down a few simple rails in the summer months.)

Are you familiar with Charlotte Mason and her philosophy of education? Each and every parent (no matter the school situation, educational philosophy, or homeschooling philosophy ascribed to) can benefit from learning more about Miss Mason.

It is wise to be familiar with her writings because we can become better parents by heeding her suggestions.

*This post is the first in our Laying Down The Rails Series. Find other posts in the series here:

Play As Child's Teacher

Laying Down Rails: A Practical Approach to Charlotte Mason's Philosophy of Education

If laying down the rails of education is a new concept to you, it might prove helpful for us to define what we're talking about.

Picture a train track.

When workers lay down the rails, their goal is to create a roadmap which provides direction for the trains.

This serves two purposes. First, it helps the train arrive at its final destination. Second, it keeps the train and the surrounding areas safe from the train's derailment.

"Charlotte likened good habits to rails on which our children’s lives could run smoothly. It is the parent’s business to lay down those rails." — Sonya Shafer

In homeschooling, education is a lifestyle.

Every single thing we do lays down a rail.

We can choose to lay down rails for our children's good. Or not. We don't have to live our lives in two spaces, one of homeschooling and one of home life. In fact, I don't think we're meant to. And when we do so it makes life harder than it needs to be.

Deciding on the Rails

In an earlier post, Gentle Ways to School Through Summer, we talked about using the principle of laying down rails to make for summer learning that goes beyond books. But, in reality, this practice goes further than summer.

Let's start with a question.

What rails do you think you've been laying down?

Now, don't beat yourself up - but instead look honestly at how you've been redeeming your time as parents. If you're still struggling with a child's inability to complete a task at the age of 16, you've laid down a rail—just not an ideal one. I can speak from personal experience when I say this.

So where do you begin? Start with prayer and reflection, and then have a conversation with your spouse. Be willing to take an honest look at your children's struggles - as well as your own. Don't be surprised to find the very thing your child struggles with stems from your own resistance to laying down a rail.

(Raising children is, after all, a constant life of sanctification and grace.)

Picking Our Battles

"Whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with much..." We don't want to frustrate our children or set ourselves up for failure. Therefore, picking our battles means not choosing to die on every hill.

Here's a simple rule of thumb.

Begin with the thing that gets on your nerves the most.

Seriously. After all, it's the thing that's most glaringly obvious to you.

Before starting on this rail, make sure you've established some simple guidelines that ensure you are meeting your child's basic needs. We'll cover these in just a bit.

Timing is Everything

Use caution when choosing to pick at the scab of a child who's never had a rail laid down. Perhaps you have carefully laid down rails, but they are attempting to jump the track. Consider timing before taking drastic action.

It's possible that your child is too young, or their personality type doesn't lend to it. They may lack the self-awareness necessary to get back on track quickly. It can feel like work. This is why we don't attempt to lay down too many rails at one time.

Foundational Rails

Before you begin making rules related to homeschooling or discipline, assess how you're doing at laying down some very basic rails - the types of rails a child needs to feel secure, loved, and treasured.

This is absolutely necessary because without these you'll never have your child's consent to be taught. Without this consent, you'll be laying down a rail of your own. It's called "heavy lifting," and it results in tears, frustrations, and unnecessary disciplinary actions.

"Conscience is my consent to staying in God's will." - Rosalie Slater.

I've always loved this quote! It not only makes for great copy work, it helps a person understand that God forms our conscience as we stay in His will. How do we know what God's will is? By reading and applying His Word. This is also where we get guidance as to what rails we choose as our foundation.

Idea for Rail One: Build a Strong Family Connection

We can't assume that just because we're homeschooling we've built a strong family connection. If we look to Scripture, we see some simple but effective (funny how God's Word is like that!) ways to build a strong family.

Pray as a family. Yes, you may be tired at the end of a long day. Or perhaps you're out-to-eat for your meal. Nonetheless, stick with the habit of prayer—talking to God—thanking Him, petitioning Him, and allowing your children to begin to have regular conversations with the Lord. This creates a lifelong habit.
Play as a family. Game nights, outdoor games, and playing sports together. These are ways you can build trust. It also builds the ability to get along. It teaches how to win and lose graciously. These skills will serve your children for life.
Worship as a family. Don't neglect your church life. Worship as a family as often as possible. And let the life you live at church be the one you live at home. Being real in front of your children can inoculate them against leaving the church later. Be open and prepared to answer the hard questions about their faith when they move into their teens. Your faithfulness is a powerful witness to your children.

Building Strong Connections at Church - Laying Down Foundational Rails @ Homegrown Learners

(Church is such an important part of our children's lives - worshipping as a family, and seeing our fellow church members as FAMILY builds community, love, and an innate sense of responsibility and service to others. I love watching my son modeling for younger ones in our church!)

An idea for Rail Two: Build a Strong Community Connection

Serving in your community teaches your children that the world doesn't revolve around them. It also helps them see how their service, no matter their age, makes a difference to the world around them. Here are a few ideas to connect with your community:

Get to know your neighbors. Building appropriate relationships with your neighbors helps form a community bond. As homeschoolers, we're sometimes afraid of this idea, but we need not be. If we as parents are involved in building neighborhood relationships, our children learn to trust others and our families can be a witness to others.
Volunteer in your community. Your church may have a program that serves the poor or indigent in your community. This is a good way to get involved in serving. Christmas baskets, collecting and sorting clothes, and serving meals are all ways you can volunteer in your community.

Idea for Rail Three: Build a Strong Personal Relationship with God

While this rail is listed last, it's really the foundation of all other rails. Your own relationship with God is key to forming your conscience. It also helps in keeping your heart aligned to His will for your children and home. It is a vital connection to the other rails.

Create and build your own rails in this personal relationship:

Study your Bible
Make prayer a priority
Reform yourself without waiting for others to reform
Pray for your children

Laying Down Foundational Rails for Your Children

Laying down rails is a lifelong pursuit.

If you are intentional, you will establish habits that will serve you, your children, your family, and your community. When you lay these foundational rails, it will make laying down the rest of them an easier pursuit.

And ultimately our pursuit is one of raising children who are able to look outside of themselves to love and serve others - and ultimately God. This lifestyle of homeschool affords us such beautiful opportunities to impact His kingdom for eternity, doesn't it?